Today I spotted a friend of mine online, so I sent her a quick message wishing her a happy Easter. She responded in kind, and volunteered on her own that she had been unable to attend church because her feet were sunburnt. Like anyone else would have, I felt myself awed to be in my friend’s presence, even electronically. She is a master of excuses, and I am not worthy to untie her sandals.
My brother Zero once came up with a list of original excuses for being unable to attend events. Though I can’t top my friend, I’m sure I can outdo Zero if not in quantity of excuses, then certainly in quality. Thus, I present my own all-purpose list of Reasons I Cannot Go. Note that these can be used for skipping church, giving a pass on weddings, blowing off work, or any other event that you need to miss, for any reason. To wit:
- I was going to go to go, but my back itched.
- I was going to go, but I slept great last night and decided I wouldn’t need the nap after all.
- I was about to leave, but my dog began to suffer anxiety and the kennel said I had to pick him up.*
- I had a Coke commercial stuck in my head, and was concerned that people would be annoyed if I started singing it.
- I forgot that I didn’t have a car, and spent the whole morning trying to recall where I had parked it.
- I was too busy Twittering.
- I took the red pill, and was seeing how deep the rabbit hole goes.
* Please note that Zero actually used this excuse last year to explain why he was unable to visit for Thanksgiving.